Preface: At this point in Clear conversation, I’m also negotiating with AT&T and TMobile, who seem like angels by comparison. More on that in the coming posts.
After recovering from that heinous conversation of bantered semantics (and after signing up for unlimited data and no voice with Tmobile), I called the ‘default’ address to which Clear had sent the replacement device figuring it would be better to resolve this sooner than later, regardless the level of anguish. The default address was my storage unit mailbox in Seattle. The receptionist quickly told me that there were no packages for me and there had been none. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Really? What the hell was going on?
While corroborating with the Clear employees during my visit in Chicago (who seemed much more knowledgeable than those on the phone), I had wittingly taken some of their contact information. At this point I called them but instead of getting a friendly customer service voice I got a generic voicemail message saying the mailbox is full and can’t receive any more message.
Point 1, iteration 1: If you’re a telecom, let your customers communicate with you, ideally, in an easy, non-infuriating way.
I called the personal cellphone of one Tina Georgopoulos who (to this date) never returned my message. I should mention that the time I was calling was Monday at 12 pm, EST, well within business hours. Then I called a second Clear store in Chicago, about half a mile away from the bricked store. To my surprise the rep answered the phone, was very friendly and even offered a suggestion: He would call the supervisor there and see what’s going on, maybe even tell them to get their phones working so I could get some help. In five minutes I was talking with someone at the store who told me the best course of action was to call customer service and have them send a new device to my address and that the device that had been delivered for me would stay at that store as part of their inventory. In other words, the best course of action was to do exactly as I had suggested previously to Clear in the chat. I asked for clarification of how this attempt would vary in success from the previous attempt.
The Clear rep in the Chicago store emphasized that I had to speak to customer service, not tech support. He said that tech support isn’t fully informed, they can’t see everything on your account, like customer service. In my case, the fulcrum would have been a tracking number that would have shown where my device was sent, when it arrived, et al.
Business Model Point: Clear doesn’t really serve urban areas with their store locations, which is why I couldn’t just walk in and get a replacement device. Their model is more like a recruitment center for cults. They lure you in with flashy propaganda and hope that you’ll be interested enough that they are able to continue to do business with you, maybe by you returning later, maybe by mailing you the device.
Point 1.5, iteration 1: If you’re a business, let your customers do business with you, ideally, in an easy, non-infuriating way.
I called Clear and the automated machine is completely fucked up. At any point if you reach a menu where the choices have nothing to do with anything you want to do and, if you’re like me, you press ‘0’ you’re connected to customer service. This would be a great idea except every time, in multiple menus I pressed ‘0’ and got a message saying the customer service center was closed and to call back during business hours. You may be asking why I pressed zero more than once, having received the failed connection: like this entire endeavor it was out of curiosity.
Point 1, iteration 2.
I finally got through to a human and asked them to transfer me to customer service, no tech support, no billing, and don’t hang up on me. The lady was super nice, probably the nicest (patronizing?) telecommunist with whom I’ve conversed. Granted, it took me about 15 unmitigated minutes to describe my situation with her, which was psychologically fatiguing. At the end of my diatribe she said plainly, “There are a lot of notes on your account.”
I’ll save you the minutiae of the exchange, but in short a second device was sent to me. I received it and it looks to be okay, though whether I get coverage with the device is another tendentious point.
She told me that there are two lists of service coverage. One is available for customers on the website and another is a secret list that describes to the customer service reps upcoming services hidden inside the preserved corpse of Lee Harvey Oswald, which is kept in Clear’s basement headquarters. She read something that vaguely stated coming coverage but suggested I get the 3G/4G device in the mean time.
Not a chance.
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